If you are someone who struggles with loneliness, whether it is transient or chronic, it is important to know how to pull yourself out of this difficult place.
Loneliness is an emotional place where you will not only feel down but socially isolated.
Once you pinpoint your emotion as loneliness, you can begin to figure out how to overcome it.
There are many steps you can take to take care of yourself and begin to re-enter a world that has meaningful social connections and enjoyable times with people.
It will take some work, but it is well worth it.
The Two Types of Loneliness
So many people suffer from being lonely which then leads to other issues as a consequence.
Loneliness is a term that covers both those that are feeling lonely and those who end up lonely from being socially isolated.
No matter which loneliness a person is suffering from, both often have the same negative outcomes.
There are people that can feel lonely while not being socially isolated, these are the people who are lacking in any meaningful relationships, and then there are those who are not socially engaged.
This can be by choice or by circumstance.
Either way, both these types of loneliness mean that the lonely individual is not getting the social interaction they need to feel connected to others.
People can feel lonely whether they are by themselves or in a group of people.
Those who are lonely, while they need social interaction, the type they are looking for is not what they are finding.
While being alone can be nice at times, too much of it can also lead to depression and feelings of sadness.
It is not good for a person’s emotional, physical or mental state to be alone all the time.
Making social connections and being engaged with others has benefits such as an improved cognitive state and healthy emotional well being.
Being alone is not a bad thing but becomes problematic when it is ongoing and brings feelings of loneliness.
When looking at loneliness, there are two kinds with lots of subcategories.
There is transient which means it is shorter-term and tends to be temporary and chronic which is long term and feels permanent.
Transient is usually caused by something in the individual’s environment and can be worked on with a little bit of effort.
Chronic is more difficult as it is tied to the individual specifically and takes more work to get out of it.
Chronic tends to mean there is a blockage to the person engaging with others, it does not matter where they are or what is going on socially, they feel lonely no matter what.
What Transient and Chronic Loneliness Mean to our Health
Loneliness of any kind, but especially chronic, is damaging to our health.
Studies show that by not having social connections, we are doing as much damage to our bodies as smoking up to 15 cigarettes each day.
Having a solid social system and good friendships beyond regular acquaintances actually reduces our chance of dying early as well as fends off many diseases.
These connections also help heal those who get sick faster.
Loneliness can affect our physical, mental and emotional wellness.
Physical effects of Loneliness
- Increase the chance of death by over 25%
- It affects our health as bad as obesity and smoking
- It heightens the chance of getting coronary heart disease and or stoke
- It heightens the chance of high blood pressure
- Lonely people are more likely to become disabled.
Mental effects of Loneliness
- Lonely people have a faster mental decline
- There is a significant jump in the chance of developing dementia
- Prone to depression
- Higher chance of suicide as the lonely person gets older
Emotional effects of loneliness
- Feelings of sadness
- Unable to emotionally connect with others
- Low self-esteem
- A feeling of isolation and loss
Extended Risk Issues
Loneliness affects people of all cultures, ages, gender and backgrounds. However, as people age the risk factors of becoming lonely increase. They can include:
- Failing health
- Sensory issues
- Reduced mobility
- Reduced income
- Bereaved
- Retirement
- Becoming a caregiver
- Loss of driving privileges
Society at large also may have issues causing them to feel lonely which can be:
- Lack of transportation
- Difficulty traversing public areas
- Housing problems
- Fear of crime
- Demographics
- Not understanding technology
Learning why you are transiently or chronically lonely
Each person who has feelings of loneliness, whether short term or long term, may have external reasons for it however there are also internal ones that can be part of the issue.
One is how vulnerable a person is to be socially disconnected.
This means that each individual person is genetically predisposed to their level of need when it comes to being socially included.
People are going to have different needs when compared to someone else.
Some will feel a need to have very high levels of social connectedness and others low.
Those with high needs are going to need more social support and systems to keep from feeling lonely.
The second issue that can affect a level of loneliness is the ability to self regulate any emotion that is connected to feeling alone or isolated.
This is not just about when dealing with society but internally as well.
Every person will feel a type of distress when they do not have meaningful companionship.
This can be a passing, or transient, feeling or something that becomes more long term or chronic.
How a person deals with these feelings of stress/distress from lacking companionship is important.
If you can not manage them then the feeling of emotional pain will be a lot to deal with and loneliness will prevail.
You will end up being chronically upset and unable to process people’s actual intentions which will make your loneliness feel worse.
Those who can not understand people’s real intentions can then jump to the conclusion that people are rejecting them when they really are not.
It becomes a problem of people misunderstanding and causing themselves more loneliness that really should not exist.
A third issue that can play into transient and chronic loneliness revolves around mental representations and expectations of others.
This means that while many thinks being lonely means poor social skills, it actually means the feeling of being lonely leads to not being able to use the skills they already have.
Perceptions are wonky and while they see themselves as trying to make friends or trying to belong yet not getting a proper response.
But in reality, it is miscommunication and poor assumptions leading to a breakdown in social ability.
Working through Transient and Chronic Loneliness
Overcoming any negative feeling is never a simple process, some of us are better at it than others.
There are some things that can be done to battle back against the negative feelings of being alone whether those feelings sneak up on us for a short while or have fallen into a long-standing state of mind.
- Get rid of being self judgemental – When someone falls into the pit of feeling lonely, they tend to get judgmental and blame themselves for the issue.Moving past this is important if you are going to return and begin to rebuild your social relationships.Stop blaming yourself and beating yourself up.No one asks to become lonely.Sometimes it is a mix of circumstances and other times its an internal struggle but its no one’s fault.It is normal to feel lonely when relationships are absent.
New homes, new schools, the distance of family are all just life events that can play into this.
No one is at fault and there is no reason to feel shame.
Just life circumstances that play into loneliness at times.
- Work at maintaining relationships where you can – Today’s society is so busy and mobile that maintaining relationships is difficult.We move out of our family’s home sooner for work or independence, people work long hours and move away to attain the proper job.Many are single parenting are juggling kids, school, activities and work.There is less and less time for social events that can help build and keep lasting relationships.Many are simply trying to manage and survive what gets thrown at them each day.You need to make sure to put time aside for friends and family when you can.
This will help alleviate the feelings of having to survive day to day on your own.
Staying in touch with family and friends even in limited capacity can help you feel like you have some solid relationships.
- Understand where the loneliness is coming from – This is critical.While transient loneliness is a little easier to work at chronic is sometimes hidden in the depths of thought and emotion.It is not about poor social skills; it is about a feeling that is stalling the individual’s ability to be with others.It can lead to depression and more isolation.
A person who is chronically lonely needs to look at where it started.
It may go back years.
Some people who never had love as a child feel like they can never connect with others, sometimes physical and mental disabilities isolate people as well.
There is discrimination that makes people fear interaction.
There is a fear of being bullied or fear of losing a friendship.
Not wanting to put their heart on the line in fear of being hurt.
There are many things from the past that can cause problems in the present.
Understanding this means that the person needs to do work to understand and overcome things.
Going to your family doctor is a good start in dealing with this as they can check for underlying factors but also do a referral to someone who can begin to unravel all the baggage that may be contributing to the feelings of loneliness.
Along with counselling, there are many things that a person can do to help overcome transient and chronic loneliness.
They do not have to be grandiose social gestures but can be simply small steps to reversing the loneliness trend.
If you are dealing with transient loneliness, then working on solving it may be as simple as reaching out to the people at work or school who you see every day.
Finding someone or a group who would like to do something after business hours or class.
Maybe it is finding a local group that does something you love like sports or musical theatre.
Once you find people who like similar things as you, you may find yourself enjoying their company based on those similarities.
If you are suffering chronic loneliness, then finding support through the medical system is important.
It is also important that you try to get out and do little things.
It is important to even go to the store so maybe you can start with minimal interaction with a cashier or someone you meet in passing.
It is working at moving yourself back into a social world.
If you are housebound, then it may be about your reaching out to family or friends through social media or online.
You may not get a lot of physical interaction but emotional and social can certainly help the feeling of being down and alone.
The other option is to have people come to visit you if you can not go out due to illness or lack of travel options.
Start a book club or a hobby club and invite trusted people to join you.
Its all about finding a way to make social connections so you feel not only comfortable but accepted and feel like part of a community.
Reaching out and asking for help is never easy but there is a need to break the cycle of loneliness.
Staying isolated and unengaged is probably easier than putting your ego and heart out there but by doing that you will never feel the joy of being with others and enjoying the companionship.
It is not about becoming a social butterfly as much as it is finding a companion or group of people with whom you can share some of the more important things of life.
You can still enjoy your time alone and peace and quiet but when you feel that there is a sense of missing out then its time to get proactive and find a way to reach out to others.
Companionship needed
Most people are very hesitant to reach out and ask for help when they are struggling with loneliness.
It is difficult to not feel weak or some shame about not engaging with others.
However, if you are truly struggling with a sense of isolation, then taking the step to ask for support is important.
Telling others, be it, family or acquaintances, that companionship is needed to help you stave off loneliness is not a failing.
It takes strength and self-determination to reach out.
You are not weak; you are strong in doing it.
And do not be discouraged if you get turned down a time or two.
It is not personal.
People get busy, perhaps are isolated themselves or just are trying to get through their own day.
If you do not have success at first, try again.
Asking for a companionship can be nothing but beneficial when you are lonely.
Escape needed
Asking for people for some companionship is great when you are feeling caught alone but understanding your need to escape your solitary prison is important too.
Escape is needed when you get stuck in a cycle of aloneness and people may not be responding as much as you need them to.
Maybe you need to escape your quiet home or unfulfilling relationships at work and take more drastic steps to put yourself out in social settings.
No matter what you are getting away from, you have to have somewhere to go that changes your feelings of loneliness.
Make those difficult steps to enact change in your life so you can feel free of the things that make you feel lonely and secluded.
Sometimes when you can not rely on others, you need to rely on yourself to get out and escape the cycles that have you locked into a negative place.
